THE COON-HUNTING INVESTIGATION

Recommendations

EDITOR'S NOTE: Sportsmen have so much fun in the out-of-doors, and many enjoy no sport more than that of hunting coons. This report was filed by Mr. Wiggins with the federal government's Human Development Commission from his hospital room. Because of his condition, he had to dictate the report to his secretary, who promised to help him complete his work during his six months of convalescence.

Having had time to ponder my experience and to sufficiently evaluate the sport of coon hunting in the rural South, I believe it is a highly dangerous sport. Coon hunters should be fitted with football helmets and breakaway leashes. We also should appropriate several million dollars to research the possibility of breeding slower-running coon hounds. I believe the military should study the footwear of the Pork Chop Knob Hunting Club, because the men never seemed to get blisters and always ran quickly. Their feet dried out rapidly, even after being submerged in creek water.

However, I don't believe we should try to weaken or modify the strain of hunters found in the rural South. If our country ever again engages in military action, these men will prove to be our best fighting force. We also must do all that we can to preserve and keep secret the formulation of Pork Chop Knob Courage. This elixir can give our men fortitude and speed in battle. Also if rocket fuel ever is in short supply, Pork Chop Knob Courage is a more than adequate substitute. To supply more, much-needed information to complete this report, I suggest our department send a representative to attend a coon hunt at Pork Chop Knob. But this time I recommend that one of the nation's top marathon runners dressed in full battle gear and a hockey goalkeeper's face mask be recruited to represent the Human Development Commission.